Feeling weird today.
I guess sometimes you wake up from a bad dream, or someone says just the right word, or maybe even nothing at all happens, and the magnitude of everything you have been through creeps up. Not one particular thing its more of an emotion that they have yet to name.
All the shit, the abandonment, the loss, your regret, and all the things you want but can't have...They all come together and its like a baseball bat right to the knee caps.
Handle these moments with grace. Allow the moment to consume you briefly, as much as I stifle emotions sometimes feeling them really keeps you sane (or not sane). Swallow hard and then let it inspire you. Get mad and make a change for the better.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
what is and what should be
All I have been thinking about today is relationships. Lately I have been staying home a lot more, thus losing the closeness I once felt with a lot of people.
My brain is in a constant state of tug of war of what is and would should be....I talk a lot about what love and compassion can bring the world, and I do treat people kindly everyday, but to what extent?
In my ideal world I would have all these friends for the rest of my life and nothing would change between any of us. I love each and every one of my friends, and in the last year I have made a lot of new ones that I hope can last a long time. If life worked the way I wanted, I would be friends with the same people I have been for the rest of my life. I have a big problem with putting too much into what i feel for people. I tend to invest my whole heart into relationships to a certain extent, and that mentality will keep me doing the same thing as I have done forever. I love my friends, I love my comfort zone.
The reality of life is this. Nice people end up on welfare. To get ahead you need to get a little ruthless, and that is a fact.
I have withdrawn myself from the majority of everyone for a few weeks because I need to get my head on straight. I need to burry my head and focus and work extra hard so that after this year I can finally go on to achieve the goals I have always wanted to...These last couple years I have felt as if I am drowning, like someone shoved my head under water and just held me there...I have been stuck in a place I don't want to be, at a college I never intended on going to.
I finally feel like I can see the sunlight at the top of the water....You know that feeling when you have held your breath under water for a long time and you get that excited feeling when your close to the top. After this year I will take my big breath. I have been waiting and working towards it for a long time. Unfortunately, it is the people I love the most that may be the ones that hold me back. Unfortunately I have chosen to sleep early instead of drink, and so I miss those calls of people that may need me. I'm trying to set my life in a new direction.
I have had a couple really big years full of change and personal development for me and I haven't even started the best parts.
Is there a way to balance? Can I push for the kindness and peace that I want to world to finally get a grasp on without getting walked all over? Where is the balance between being nice and being a pushover?
My brain is in a constant state of tug of war of what is and would should be....I talk a lot about what love and compassion can bring the world, and I do treat people kindly everyday, but to what extent?
In my ideal world I would have all these friends for the rest of my life and nothing would change between any of us. I love each and every one of my friends, and in the last year I have made a lot of new ones that I hope can last a long time. If life worked the way I wanted, I would be friends with the same people I have been for the rest of my life. I have a big problem with putting too much into what i feel for people. I tend to invest my whole heart into relationships to a certain extent, and that mentality will keep me doing the same thing as I have done forever. I love my friends, I love my comfort zone.
The reality of life is this. Nice people end up on welfare. To get ahead you need to get a little ruthless, and that is a fact.
I have withdrawn myself from the majority of everyone for a few weeks because I need to get my head on straight. I need to burry my head and focus and work extra hard so that after this year I can finally go on to achieve the goals I have always wanted to...These last couple years I have felt as if I am drowning, like someone shoved my head under water and just held me there...I have been stuck in a place I don't want to be, at a college I never intended on going to.
I finally feel like I can see the sunlight at the top of the water....You know that feeling when you have held your breath under water for a long time and you get that excited feeling when your close to the top. After this year I will take my big breath. I have been waiting and working towards it for a long time. Unfortunately, it is the people I love the most that may be the ones that hold me back. Unfortunately I have chosen to sleep early instead of drink, and so I miss those calls of people that may need me. I'm trying to set my life in a new direction.
I have had a couple really big years full of change and personal development for me and I haven't even started the best parts.
Is there a way to balance? Can I push for the kindness and peace that I want to world to finally get a grasp on without getting walked all over? Where is the balance between being nice and being a pushover?
Sunday, July 25, 2010
not since march?!
I am the WORST at this sort of thing I guess.
so ill share my favorite poem of all time because sadly, I have nothing else to write about.
The Walrus and the Carpenter
by Lewis Carroll
The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright--
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.
The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done--
"It's very rude of him," she said,
"To come and spoil the fun!"
The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead--
There were no birds to fly.
The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand:
"If this were only cleared away,"
They said, "it would be grand!"
"If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year.
Do you suppose," the Walrus said,
"That they could get it clear?"
"I doubt it," said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.
"O Oysters, come and walk with us!"
The Walrus did beseech.
"A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each."
The eldest Oyster looked at him,
But never a word he said:
The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head--
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster-bed.
But four young Oysters hurried up,
All eager for the treat:
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean and neat--
And this was odd, because, you know,
They hadn't any feet.
Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more--
All hopping through the frothy waves,
And scrambling to the shore.
The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.
"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."
"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,
"Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!"
"No hurry!" said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.
"A loaf of bread," the Walrus said,
"Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed--
Now if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed."
"But not on us!" the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.
"After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!"
"The night is fine," the Walrus said.
"Do you admire the view?
"It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"Cut us another slice:
I wish you were not quite so deaf--
I've had to ask you twice!"
"It seems a shame," the Walrus said,
"To play them such a trick,
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"The butter's spread too thick!"
"I weep for you," the Walrus said:
"I deeply sympathize."
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.
"O Oysters," said the Carpenter,
"You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?'
But answer came there none--
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.
so ill share my favorite poem of all time because sadly, I have nothing else to write about.
The Walrus and the Carpenter
by Lewis Carroll
The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright--
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.
The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done--
"It's very rude of him," she said,
"To come and spoil the fun!"
The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead--
There were no birds to fly.
The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand:
"If this were only cleared away,"
They said, "it would be grand!"
"If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year.
Do you suppose," the Walrus said,
"That they could get it clear?"
"I doubt it," said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.
"O Oysters, come and walk with us!"
The Walrus did beseech.
"A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each."
The eldest Oyster looked at him,
But never a word he said:
The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head--
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster-bed.
But four young Oysters hurried up,
All eager for the treat:
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean and neat--
And this was odd, because, you know,
They hadn't any feet.
Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more--
All hopping through the frothy waves,
And scrambling to the shore.
The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.
"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."
"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,
"Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!"
"No hurry!" said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.
"A loaf of bread," the Walrus said,
"Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed--
Now if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed."
"But not on us!" the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.
"After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!"
"The night is fine," the Walrus said.
"Do you admire the view?
"It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"Cut us another slice:
I wish you were not quite so deaf--
I've had to ask you twice!"
"It seems a shame," the Walrus said,
"To play them such a trick,
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"The butter's spread too thick!"
"I weep for you," the Walrus said:
"I deeply sympathize."
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.
"O Oysters," said the Carpenter,
"You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?'
But answer came there none--
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
The Pheonix and the Turtle
This is a poem by William Shakespeare and it is oh so lovely
LET the bird of loudest lay,
On the sole Arabian tree,
Herald sad and trumpet be,
To whose sound chaste wings obey.
But thou shrieking harbinger,
Foul precurrer of the fiend,
Augur of the fever's end,
To this troop come thou not near!
From this session interdict
Every fowl of tyrant wing,
Save the eagle, feather'd king:
Keep the obsequy so strict.
Let the priest in surplice white,
That defunctive music can,
Be the death-divining swan,
Lest the requiem lack his right.
And thou treble-dated crow,
That thy sable gender makest
With the breath thou givest and takest,
'Mongst our mourners shalt thou go.
Here the anthem doth commence:
Love and constancy is dead;
Phoenix and the turtle fled
In a mutual flame from hence.
So they loved, as love in twain
Had the essence but in one;
Two distincts, division none:
Number there in love was slain.
Hearts remote, yet not asunder;
Distance, and no space was seen
'Twixt the turtle and his queen:
But in them it were a wonder.
So between them love did shine,
That the turtle saw his right
Flaming in the phoenix' sight;
Either was the other's mine.
Property was thus appalled,
That the self was not the same;
Single nature's double name
Neither two nor one was called.
Reason, in itself confounded,
Saw division grow together,
To themselves yet either neither,
Simple were so well compounded,
That it cried, How true a twain
Seemeth this concordant one!
Love hath reason, reason none,
If what parts can so remain.
Whereupon it made this threne
To the phoenix and the dove,
Co-supremes and stars of love,
As chorus to their tragic scene.
LET the bird of loudest lay,
On the sole Arabian tree,
Herald sad and trumpet be,
To whose sound chaste wings obey.
But thou shrieking harbinger,
Foul precurrer of the fiend,
Augur of the fever's end,
To this troop come thou not near!
From this session interdict
Every fowl of tyrant wing,
Save the eagle, feather'd king:
Keep the obsequy so strict.
Let the priest in surplice white,
That defunctive music can,
Be the death-divining swan,
Lest the requiem lack his right.
And thou treble-dated crow,
That thy sable gender makest
With the breath thou givest and takest,
'Mongst our mourners shalt thou go.
Here the anthem doth commence:
Love and constancy is dead;
Phoenix and the turtle fled
In a mutual flame from hence.
So they loved, as love in twain
Had the essence but in one;
Two distincts, division none:
Number there in love was slain.
Hearts remote, yet not asunder;
Distance, and no space was seen
'Twixt the turtle and his queen:
But in them it were a wonder.
So between them love did shine,
That the turtle saw his right
Flaming in the phoenix' sight;
Either was the other's mine.
Property was thus appalled,
That the self was not the same;
Single nature's double name
Neither two nor one was called.
Reason, in itself confounded,
Saw division grow together,
To themselves yet either neither,
Simple were so well compounded,
That it cried, How true a twain
Seemeth this concordant one!
Love hath reason, reason none,
If what parts can so remain.
Whereupon it made this threne
To the phoenix and the dove,
Co-supremes and stars of love,
As chorus to their tragic scene.
Friday, February 26, 2010
who?
Doing some thinking about life.
Smile at everyone, you have no idea what kind of day they are having
(that includes yourself)
Ask someone how they are doing cause maybe no one else will listen.
When you say thank you..really mean it....gratitude is beautiful
Smile at everyone, you have no idea what kind of day they are having
(that includes yourself)
Ask someone how they are doing cause maybe no one else will listen.
When you say thank you..really mean it....gratitude is beautiful
Thursday, February 25, 2010
one step forward
I feel sort of like I am having a midlife crisis but only less than a quarter way through it. Mostly i think this happened because since I was little I told myself I would get out of here.
Well I am certainly not out of here. I am balls deep here. Here is cold. Here is not scenic. Here is smack dab in the middle of nothing happens to anyone nowhere.
Now, while I work hard and succeed most of the time by being kind to others, always say thank you, smile at strangers, I don't ever work hard on myself.
Starting RIGHT NOW. I will not only do the former but, it is time to stop wasting seconds. No more laying in bed all day thinking of what I would be doing if I had moved away when I wanted to. This is the path that I chose to take. It is certainly taking a toll on me right now, but whatever I choose to do after this, this time period can't have been wasted.
In order for my soul to be full and happy, I have to work on being that way. Time to be a big part of being the sunshine I want to be in the world. Yes, THE WORLD, not just here. Here doesn't have to be so bad. Life is what you choose for it to be.
Well I am certainly not out of here. I am balls deep here. Here is cold. Here is not scenic. Here is smack dab in the middle of nothing happens to anyone nowhere.
Now, while I work hard and succeed most of the time by being kind to others, always say thank you, smile at strangers, I don't ever work hard on myself.
Starting RIGHT NOW. I will not only do the former but, it is time to stop wasting seconds. No more laying in bed all day thinking of what I would be doing if I had moved away when I wanted to. This is the path that I chose to take. It is certainly taking a toll on me right now, but whatever I choose to do after this, this time period can't have been wasted.
In order for my soul to be full and happy, I have to work on being that way. Time to be a big part of being the sunshine I want to be in the world. Yes, THE WORLD, not just here. Here doesn't have to be so bad. Life is what you choose for it to be.
Friday, February 12, 2010
shot to the hearrtt
Okay, back to the blogging to myself world lol....maybe someday ill actually try to get people to follow my blog
Winter, for me, is a time where I usually find myself very unhappy. I was not supposed to be born in Illinois, I am 100% sure of this fact. The cold, the snow, the way it sucks the sunlight out of everyday, the lack of fresh air, it all makes me feel really depressed. I can't help but feel like all of winter I am taking 5 steps backwards for every 1 that i take forward. I don't like seeing it as a time of self reflection because who I am during the winter is the opposite of who I am in the summer, but in a way, it does take me to the deeper parts of my mind because so much time is spent alone.
I start to think about all the wrong turns I took in my life, I start to think about all those times that I should have said yes and I said no.
By no means am I saying that I have had the worst life because I haven't. I have never been worried about wether or not I was going to eat for the next week, or if I was going to have a roof over my head, or shoes to cover my feet. I have, though, delt will a lot more "things" (for lack of a better term) than almost anyone else that I know directly. This has made me an old soul, overly independent, but it has also made me who I am. I think...No, I know that I am a good person. I see everyone around me starting the chapter in their life and making new connections, and I get this little pang inside of me of envy. For the record jealousy is one of my least favorite trait, but it is also an undeniable one.
Right now I am very tied up in the program I am enrolled in at college...It is a very time consuming major, but only for 2 years. I chose to do interpreting for a few reasons. All I have ever wanted to do was just help people, thousands of them, maybe millions. Being an interpreter is a major where I am going to work directly with people who are deaf or have partial hearing losses, and they (mostly) will welcome and appreciate my help. I also chose it because it is going to be an extremely generous beginning for me to start doing the things I really want to accomplish. I will have flexibility in where I live because I can do my job anywhere. It also pays enough that I will always have enough to get by and take care of myself. It just so happens, that this choice that I made, forces me to move in slow motion. I still live at home, and I only lose friends cause I never meet anyone new...
That being said, this winter has been harder for me than any before it. For some reason this particular winter, I have secluded myself from almost every friend I have ever had. I did not do this on purpose, but its very hard for me to get out of bed about 90% of the time.
I have always been very good at convincing myself that the feelings I have aren't necessary. For example, I never get hung up on people who really hurt my feelings no matter how important they are to me. I have gotten really good at tricking myself that the feelings I am having are pointless, and the more I have done this over the years has made me extremely out of touch with my emotions. Every single one of them. There are very few times where I am extremely anything. I can't remember where the quote is from, but they say something along the lines of...."I know you can be overwhelmed, and that you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever be just....whelmed?"......Yes, you can. I find myself in a state of whelmed almost all of the time. I know there are people who covet this trait in me because it makes it seem like I can really just brush off anything. I don't have time getting over old boyfriends, and I guess I can't deny that that is a pretty nice quality. But, I am now to the point where I literally can't even have a conversation with someone because I am so indifferent on almost everything. I have very strong opinions, but what is the point in arguing them? I hate when people judge me for how I think and feel, so why would I ever try to argue with someone about anything....It just seems so backwards to me..
I feel very connected to the earth, and that is not just the hippie in me talking. When winter comes, parts of me die, and I become hardened and closed off. Then spring comes and I can start wiggle my toes and I can feel the warmth of the sun starting to warm up my heart. When summer hits I am in full bloom. I get to dance and be outside and I get to reconnect with those people who I lost touch with in my hibernation. The term for this normally is seasonal affective disorder....I am not sure if thats what it is, but there is a complete 180 with how I feel at different times of the year.
I don't know what the point of this blog is, it doesn't really have a direction, and it jumped around a lot.
I guess I am just using this as an outlet to remind myself of a few things
- no matter how hard anything gets, love is out there...it is everywhere and it is in every situation
- showing people love is the only way to get ahead....(this is not a fact, but it should be)
- i have the power to change whatever i need to make myself happy
- there are some people in the world who will never have hard times, and instead of being jealous of that...i need to be happy for them, and remember that it is only because of things we go through that makes us WHO WE ARE
OKAY...thats it
from now on i am going to post ONLY POSITIVE messages on here....this was just my misguided way to maneuver to wiggle myself out from under the giant elephant that is sitting on my chest.
If something is bothering you ask yourself...Is this going to be significant in my life in 1 year? 5 years? 10 years? Probably not. (However be careful because taking that too literally makes feelings pointless....and then you end up emotionless like muah).
PEACE forever LOVE always
Winter, for me, is a time where I usually find myself very unhappy. I was not supposed to be born in Illinois, I am 100% sure of this fact. The cold, the snow, the way it sucks the sunlight out of everyday, the lack of fresh air, it all makes me feel really depressed. I can't help but feel like all of winter I am taking 5 steps backwards for every 1 that i take forward. I don't like seeing it as a time of self reflection because who I am during the winter is the opposite of who I am in the summer, but in a way, it does take me to the deeper parts of my mind because so much time is spent alone.
I start to think about all the wrong turns I took in my life, I start to think about all those times that I should have said yes and I said no.
By no means am I saying that I have had the worst life because I haven't. I have never been worried about wether or not I was going to eat for the next week, or if I was going to have a roof over my head, or shoes to cover my feet. I have, though, delt will a lot more "things" (for lack of a better term) than almost anyone else that I know directly. This has made me an old soul, overly independent, but it has also made me who I am. I think...No, I know that I am a good person. I see everyone around me starting the chapter in their life and making new connections, and I get this little pang inside of me of envy. For the record jealousy is one of my least favorite trait, but it is also an undeniable one.
Right now I am very tied up in the program I am enrolled in at college...It is a very time consuming major, but only for 2 years. I chose to do interpreting for a few reasons. All I have ever wanted to do was just help people, thousands of them, maybe millions. Being an interpreter is a major where I am going to work directly with people who are deaf or have partial hearing losses, and they (mostly) will welcome and appreciate my help. I also chose it because it is going to be an extremely generous beginning for me to start doing the things I really want to accomplish. I will have flexibility in where I live because I can do my job anywhere. It also pays enough that I will always have enough to get by and take care of myself. It just so happens, that this choice that I made, forces me to move in slow motion. I still live at home, and I only lose friends cause I never meet anyone new...
That being said, this winter has been harder for me than any before it. For some reason this particular winter, I have secluded myself from almost every friend I have ever had. I did not do this on purpose, but its very hard for me to get out of bed about 90% of the time.
I have always been very good at convincing myself that the feelings I have aren't necessary. For example, I never get hung up on people who really hurt my feelings no matter how important they are to me. I have gotten really good at tricking myself that the feelings I am having are pointless, and the more I have done this over the years has made me extremely out of touch with my emotions. Every single one of them. There are very few times where I am extremely anything. I can't remember where the quote is from, but they say something along the lines of...."I know you can be overwhelmed, and that you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever be just....whelmed?"......Yes, you can. I find myself in a state of whelmed almost all of the time. I know there are people who covet this trait in me because it makes it seem like I can really just brush off anything. I don't have time getting over old boyfriends, and I guess I can't deny that that is a pretty nice quality. But, I am now to the point where I literally can't even have a conversation with someone because I am so indifferent on almost everything. I have very strong opinions, but what is the point in arguing them? I hate when people judge me for how I think and feel, so why would I ever try to argue with someone about anything....It just seems so backwards to me..
I feel very connected to the earth, and that is not just the hippie in me talking. When winter comes, parts of me die, and I become hardened and closed off. Then spring comes and I can start wiggle my toes and I can feel the warmth of the sun starting to warm up my heart. When summer hits I am in full bloom. I get to dance and be outside and I get to reconnect with those people who I lost touch with in my hibernation. The term for this normally is seasonal affective disorder....I am not sure if thats what it is, but there is a complete 180 with how I feel at different times of the year.
I don't know what the point of this blog is, it doesn't really have a direction, and it jumped around a lot.
I guess I am just using this as an outlet to remind myself of a few things
- no matter how hard anything gets, love is out there...it is everywhere and it is in every situation
- showing people love is the only way to get ahead....(this is not a fact, but it should be)
- i have the power to change whatever i need to make myself happy
- there are some people in the world who will never have hard times, and instead of being jealous of that...i need to be happy for them, and remember that it is only because of things we go through that makes us WHO WE ARE
OKAY...thats it
from now on i am going to post ONLY POSITIVE messages on here....this was just my misguided way to maneuver to wiggle myself out from under the giant elephant that is sitting on my chest.
If something is bothering you ask yourself...Is this going to be significant in my life in 1 year? 5 years? 10 years? Probably not. (However be careful because taking that too literally makes feelings pointless....and then you end up emotionless like muah).
PEACE forever LOVE always
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
whatchoo say?
I haven't posted in a while, and I guess that is mostly just because I haven't had much to say. I still don't really.
Winter is always a time for reflection, and when I am left alone with myself to do that, it usually doesn't take me to a very good place. As unhealthy as it is, I would rather be distracted and forget.
All I have been doing the last few days is lay in my sickness and watch the devastation that happened in Haiti. My heart is truly broken, I wish there were ways to help that didn't involve money. I am looking into it, and will let you know if I find anything.
Promises of a longer, cheerier post next time.
Winter is always a time for reflection, and when I am left alone with myself to do that, it usually doesn't take me to a very good place. As unhealthy as it is, I would rather be distracted and forget.
All I have been doing the last few days is lay in my sickness and watch the devastation that happened in Haiti. My heart is truly broken, I wish there were ways to help that didn't involve money. I am looking into it, and will let you know if I find anything.
Promises of a longer, cheerier post next time.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
hm.
Happy New Year everyone
My feelings are hurt temporarily, so this blog probably wont be as uplifting as I wanted it to be.
It has been a long time since I posted, and in response to my last blog....It did make a difference...it's nice to know that overcoming hatred is possible.
I am not going to make this a long post cause I don't have many happy things to say at this moment.
Besides....You are amazing, you are unique, and you are loved. Whoever you are.
AND YOU SHOULD ALL GO TO SUPERFOREST.ORG AND LOVE IT!
it is my favorite website.
My feelings are hurt temporarily, so this blog probably wont be as uplifting as I wanted it to be.
It has been a long time since I posted, and in response to my last blog....It did make a difference...it's nice to know that overcoming hatred is possible.
I am not going to make this a long post cause I don't have many happy things to say at this moment.
Besides....You are amazing, you are unique, and you are loved. Whoever you are.
AND YOU SHOULD ALL GO TO SUPERFOREST.ORG AND LOVE IT!
it is my favorite website.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
feelin good feelin great
In my current transition to become a better and effective human i am going to tackle a goal each week, so since its Tuesday, a new one every Tuesday!
THIS WEEKS GOAL TOPIC: HUMANS
As the first weeks goal and possibly the very hardest, humans are a very hard area to create change within. Everyone has issues with why they are the way they are with other humans.
It is really hard to be a mature and in control person. Before you know it word vomit is spewing out and you have transformed into a person who does not spread love. Maybe people have hurt you in the past, or maybe you have issues with your parents, or you were brought up a certain way. Either way, this week I (and maybe anyone else who does not read this blog) ((lol)) (((but really))) am going to practice finding peace within me to really be able to shine to even people who may ALWAYS press my buttons. I cannot get along with everyone, but I can show everyone love.
THE KEY HERE IS: this includes the icky thoughts in your brain as well. If you show love but are only FEELING hate then it doesnt count. So diiiigggg deeeeeepppp.
Think of the person who you struggle the hardest with when it comes to being friendly: ask yourself the following:
Why do you feel this way about this person
Is it personal?
Is it just a mismatched character issue?
Does whatever they did to you matter today?
If it does matter, will it still matter in a year?
I know the person that I find hard to do this with, and to be honest, when I think about it, I still can't get over the feelings I for them. HOWEVER I do realize that it is petty and reaaalllyyy doesn't affect me today. I'm not sure if an apology would help, but I do not like feeling ugly feelings towards someone. It makes me feel ugly.
I am going to reach out to them this week.
Show love and you will give love. It is a simple idea with a hard journey.
Anyway...heres a funny joke:
Q. What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A. A private tutor.
ps. the picture of bob dylan may seem like it has nothing to do with this blog....but he is a human...and a beautiful one at that.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
feelin groovy
The last week has been an interesting one by far. At this exact moment I feel full with love and peace. I have come to an interesting realization that I know will help me live a happier and healthier life.
I have recently starting exercising daily. Only for about a week now, and I started because I weigh more than I have in my entire life. So the mission began with getting small and losing the weight. But I am starting to understand the important of exercise in a completely different way now. It has given me a better understanding as a whole about me, my surroundings, and its really one of the only time during the day that i give COMPLETELY to myself.
Wether I am swimming, practicing yoga, or running it has all become much more to me.
Today when I was running is when I realized this. Every time I run I try to change something to make it more challenging, either go for a long distance or at a higher speed. I started running thinking the same thing. Me in a swimsuit, its all I could think about. Most the time I have been working out it its always me putting myself down, all I can think about is how unhealthy I have let myself get and then I just feel ashamed.
But today, it started and I pictured myself in that swimsuit (my consciousness of weight is the only annoying girly trait that I have....I have always found this odd) So I kept running, and then I started to only focus on my breathing. In two steps, out two steps. It was hard, I have never been a runner because it always seems I can't get into my groove and all I felt after was sore. So I am running and running and picturing myself, and then I started picturing myself on a beach. It wasn't about the swimsuit. I could feel the sun, the sand, the breeze, the peace that comes with being at the ocean. That is where I found myself, running was on a beach. It was a moment of inner peace that I have only experienced while practicing meditation, and even then my brain won't let myself completely just be. Then when I came back to my breathing I found myself running with ease! My breathing had completely evened out. After that point it was only me pushing myself in a positive way. I ran farther and harder than I have ever done!
Working out has always been a chore for me, but I can't wait until tomorrow to do it again! Yes, I am sore, but the soreness reminds me of my accomplishment of the day, and it is almost like a trophy.
Get healthy! Not only is in going to benefit you in the obvious ways, but it is going to let yourself have a breakthrough that gives you a boost in confidence, and with confidence it becomes even easier to spread the love that you want to see in the world what a fantastic thing!
What are you doing to make yourself feel loved by YOU????
**I realize the picture of my cat has nothing to do with this blog but she makes my heart smile, so maybe she will make yours too! Who doesnt love pictures of gorgeous kittens!?
Saturday, December 5, 2009
why wait?
I sit around my house most of my days, and to be honest I don't accomplish really anything at all during the day. This is starting to really take a tole on me I think. I don't know if it is the older I get (which is not old at all) or what the deal is but I cannot help but to only feel worthless lately.
So when I feel this way I try to pick up my guitar, but that only leads me to a few clumsy chords and then I feel not good enough..Sometimes I start some of those friendship bracelets that everyone made in grade school. That keeps my attention for probably a half hour, but at this point all I am left with is a lot of not even half way done bracelets.
What happened to the explorer in me? What happened to my imagination? And why am I so okay with doing nothing all day long.
When I was in high school ( all those years ago ) I did not picture myself as a person who would sit around all day. So I am trying to think about what I HAVE done or learned since I have graduated high school. Here are a few
1. I am not a leader nor am I a follower
2. I do not like to work in groups
3. People really do make me so uncomfortable
4. I love everything
5. I have a giant heart (and yes there is room for you)
6. My favorite feeling is the weight of my toasty cat laying on me and her purring from deep in her diaphragm
7. I am a little lazy
8. I need to see an ending to projects I start, and a meaning behind them
9. I am not happy with where I am
10. I wish i had more courage to go after what I want
There is 10...if there is anymore then its going to just be describing me. So after that list, I will now make a list of things that I want out of my life before I am 25.
1. Help on a massive scale
2. Find what tugs at my heart
3. Find a companion that I connect with spiritually as well as physically and mentally
4. Travel. Travel. Travel.
5. Quite smoking
6. Transform my diet into strictly raw foods
7. Go somewhere where no one speaks my language
8. Write a song that means something
9. Create something that gives joy to a lot of people
10. Make an effort everyday to be the love and the change that I would like to see in the world.
There ya go. I have 6 years untill I am 25 years old. So I need to get going...I am going to start on a small scale, and go to my local craft store, and I am going to create something today.
What are you creating today? Where do you see yourself in 6 years?
So when I feel this way I try to pick up my guitar, but that only leads me to a few clumsy chords and then I feel not good enough..Sometimes I start some of those friendship bracelets that everyone made in grade school. That keeps my attention for probably a half hour, but at this point all I am left with is a lot of not even half way done bracelets.
What happened to the explorer in me? What happened to my imagination? And why am I so okay with doing nothing all day long.
When I was in high school ( all those years ago ) I did not picture myself as a person who would sit around all day. So I am trying to think about what I HAVE done or learned since I have graduated high school. Here are a few
1. I am not a leader nor am I a follower
2. I do not like to work in groups
3. People really do make me so uncomfortable
4. I love everything
5. I have a giant heart (and yes there is room for you)
6. My favorite feeling is the weight of my toasty cat laying on me and her purring from deep in her diaphragm
7. I am a little lazy
8. I need to see an ending to projects I start, and a meaning behind them
9. I am not happy with where I am
10. I wish i had more courage to go after what I want
There is 10...if there is anymore then its going to just be describing me. So after that list, I will now make a list of things that I want out of my life before I am 25.
1. Help on a massive scale
2. Find what tugs at my heart
3. Find a companion that I connect with spiritually as well as physically and mentally
4. Travel. Travel. Travel.
5. Quite smoking
6. Transform my diet into strictly raw foods
7. Go somewhere where no one speaks my language
8. Write a song that means something
9. Create something that gives joy to a lot of people
10. Make an effort everyday to be the love and the change that I would like to see in the world.
There ya go. I have 6 years untill I am 25 years old. So I need to get going...I am going to start on a small scale, and go to my local craft store, and I am going to create something today.
What are you creating today? Where do you see yourself in 6 years?
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Create
In my everlasting struggle to discover anything about what I am supposed to do with my life, I have a current hunger to create things. I plan on spending almost all of my day tomorrow browsing Hobby Lobby just to find something to help me feel like I am being worth while.
What are you creating?
I miss what the sun feels like on my face. Winter is such a sad time of year.
With being so in a rut I feel like I should almost just take a week off of work and get down to a beach over winter break to really start sorting through stuff in my head.
In other news...Did you know that NASA makes this crazy material out of silicone particles. It can hold stuff like 40,000 or something crazy like that times its weight. They can use it as a super insulator among other stuff...
It's interesting the things that we can make and yet still are too scared of change to use any of them even if it could mean saving the planet...
And lastly, this week I witnessed human nature in a negative way. I try very hard to be the love I would want reciprocated back to me. It is so important to always be kind and compassionate toward other people of the human race. I failed at that for a few minutes this week. While this happened the other party involved was so malicious that I found myself struggling very hard to deal with what they were doing to me. Why were they doing it? While I was involved in this I found myself almost obsessed with negative thoughts towards these people, and I still do. It is weird how hard it is to love people sometimes but hate spreads like wildfire and consumes everything in its path.
The important thing here is that...while I do not care to really surround myself with these people, I have come to a point where I am in control of how I handled the situation. Which is really not at all, which is the perfect way to diffuse situations with toxic people sometimes. I know that I ALWAYS have the choice to choose love over hate, and I will never ever let people who chose to say things about me, no matter what it is, let it get to me in a way where I feel I need to lash out.
Lesson learned. Choose love.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
my now
I tried to go to bed early tonight
but who can sleep when my teeth are shifting? i found that awful piece of plastic that shoves my teeth to where they are supposed to be....and it causes much suffering to my rogue front right papa tooth.
Either way...I can't quit thinking about what I chose to do with my life. I chose to stick around town for a while until I was a couple years older and ready to leave. Here I am..and there all my friends and family go. I have to stick out these years to get my associates out of the way. I am thinking of adding a major of international studies. Something. I crave to keep learning about things that can help me make things better. By things I mean anything.
I am having a hard time figuring out who I am, where I want to go. I am so young and naive and have a whole life ahead of me, but I have already left a lot behind....I can't say I have done much that is worth while so far.
I can't help but think this way. I have too much I want to finish during my life and while I have a lifetime I can't help thinking all I have is right now. Which sounds inspiring but instead of LIVING in the now I simply just THINK in the now...I PANICK in the now.
Either way...I know I can't be the only 19 year old in the world who has self discovery problems.
I may be the only person on here with no one following my blog. I talk to myself too much.
Scatterbrained. Stuck. Full of love.
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