Okay, back to the blogging to myself world lol....maybe someday ill actually try to get people to follow my blog
Winter, for me, is a time where I usually find myself very unhappy. I was not supposed to be born in Illinois, I am 100% sure of this fact. The cold, the snow, the way it sucks the sunlight out of everyday, the lack of fresh air, it all makes me feel really depressed. I can't help but feel like all of winter I am taking 5 steps backwards for every 1 that i take forward. I don't like seeing it as a time of self reflection because who I am during the winter is the opposite of who I am in the summer, but in a way, it does take me to the deeper parts of my mind because so much time is spent alone.
I start to think about all the wrong turns I took in my life, I start to think about all those times that I should have said yes and I said no.
By no means am I saying that I have had the worst life because I haven't. I have never been worried about wether or not I was going to eat for the next week, or if I was going to have a roof over my head, or shoes to cover my feet. I have, though, delt will a lot more "things" (for lack of a better term) than almost anyone else that I know directly. This has made me an old soul, overly independent, but it has also made me who I am. I think...No, I know that I am a good person. I see everyone around me starting the chapter in their life and making new connections, and I get this little pang inside of me of envy. For the record jealousy is one of my least favorite trait, but it is also an undeniable one.
Right now I am very tied up in the program I am enrolled in at college...It is a very time consuming major, but only for 2 years. I chose to do interpreting for a few reasons. All I have ever wanted to do was just help people, thousands of them, maybe millions. Being an interpreter is a major where I am going to work directly with people who are deaf or have partial hearing losses, and they (mostly) will welcome and appreciate my help. I also chose it because it is going to be an extremely generous beginning for me to start doing the things I really want to accomplish. I will have flexibility in where I live because I can do my job anywhere. It also pays enough that I will always have enough to get by and take care of myself. It just so happens, that this choice that I made, forces me to move in slow motion. I still live at home, and I only lose friends cause I never meet anyone new...
That being said, this winter has been harder for me than any before it. For some reason this particular winter, I have secluded myself from almost every friend I have ever had. I did not do this on purpose, but its very hard for me to get out of bed about 90% of the time.
I have always been very good at convincing myself that the feelings I have aren't necessary. For example, I never get hung up on people who really hurt my feelings no matter how important they are to me. I have gotten really good at tricking myself that the feelings I am having are pointless, and the more I have done this over the years has made me extremely out of touch with my emotions. Every single one of them. There are very few times where I am extremely anything. I can't remember where the quote is from, but they say something along the lines of...."I know you can be overwhelmed, and that you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever be just....whelmed?"......Yes, you can. I find myself in a state of whelmed almost all of the time. I know there are people who covet this trait in me because it makes it seem like I can really just brush off anything. I don't have time getting over old boyfriends, and I guess I can't deny that that is a pretty nice quality. But, I am now to the point where I literally can't even have a conversation with someone because I am so indifferent on almost everything. I have very strong opinions, but what is the point in arguing them? I hate when people judge me for how I think and feel, so why would I ever try to argue with someone about anything....It just seems so backwards to me..
I feel very connected to the earth, and that is not just the hippie in me talking. When winter comes, parts of me die, and I become hardened and closed off. Then spring comes and I can start wiggle my toes and I can feel the warmth of the sun starting to warm up my heart. When summer hits I am in full bloom. I get to dance and be outside and I get to reconnect with those people who I lost touch with in my hibernation. The term for this normally is seasonal affective disorder....I am not sure if thats what it is, but there is a complete 180 with how I feel at different times of the year.
I don't know what the point of this blog is, it doesn't really have a direction, and it jumped around a lot.
I guess I am just using this as an outlet to remind myself of a few things
- no matter how hard anything gets, love is out there...it is everywhere and it is in every situation
- showing people love is the only way to get ahead....(this is not a fact, but it should be)
- i have the power to change whatever i need to make myself happy
- there are some people in the world who will never have hard times, and instead of being jealous of that...i need to be happy for them, and remember that it is only because of things we go through that makes us WHO WE ARE
OKAY...thats it
from now on i am going to post ONLY POSITIVE messages on here....this was just my misguided way to maneuver to wiggle myself out from under the giant elephant that is sitting on my chest.
If something is bothering you ask yourself...Is this going to be significant in my life in 1 year? 5 years? 10 years? Probably not. (However be careful because taking that too literally makes feelings pointless....and then you end up emotionless like muah).
PEACE forever LOVE always
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