Feeling weird today.
I guess sometimes you wake up from a bad dream, or someone says just the right word, or maybe even nothing at all happens, and the magnitude of everything you have been through creeps up. Not one particular thing its more of an emotion that they have yet to name.
All the shit, the abandonment, the loss, your regret, and all the things you want but can't have...They all come together and its like a baseball bat right to the knee caps.
Handle these moments with grace. Allow the moment to consume you briefly, as much as I stifle emotions sometimes feeling them really keeps you sane (or not sane). Swallow hard and then let it inspire you. Get mad and make a change for the better.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
what is and what should be
All I have been thinking about today is relationships. Lately I have been staying home a lot more, thus losing the closeness I once felt with a lot of people.
My brain is in a constant state of tug of war of what is and would should be....I talk a lot about what love and compassion can bring the world, and I do treat people kindly everyday, but to what extent?
In my ideal world I would have all these friends for the rest of my life and nothing would change between any of us. I love each and every one of my friends, and in the last year I have made a lot of new ones that I hope can last a long time. If life worked the way I wanted, I would be friends with the same people I have been for the rest of my life. I have a big problem with putting too much into what i feel for people. I tend to invest my whole heart into relationships to a certain extent, and that mentality will keep me doing the same thing as I have done forever. I love my friends, I love my comfort zone.
The reality of life is this. Nice people end up on welfare. To get ahead you need to get a little ruthless, and that is a fact.
I have withdrawn myself from the majority of everyone for a few weeks because I need to get my head on straight. I need to burry my head and focus and work extra hard so that after this year I can finally go on to achieve the goals I have always wanted to...These last couple years I have felt as if I am drowning, like someone shoved my head under water and just held me there...I have been stuck in a place I don't want to be, at a college I never intended on going to.
I finally feel like I can see the sunlight at the top of the water....You know that feeling when you have held your breath under water for a long time and you get that excited feeling when your close to the top. After this year I will take my big breath. I have been waiting and working towards it for a long time. Unfortunately, it is the people I love the most that may be the ones that hold me back. Unfortunately I have chosen to sleep early instead of drink, and so I miss those calls of people that may need me. I'm trying to set my life in a new direction.
I have had a couple really big years full of change and personal development for me and I haven't even started the best parts.
Is there a way to balance? Can I push for the kindness and peace that I want to world to finally get a grasp on without getting walked all over? Where is the balance between being nice and being a pushover?
My brain is in a constant state of tug of war of what is and would should be....I talk a lot about what love and compassion can bring the world, and I do treat people kindly everyday, but to what extent?
In my ideal world I would have all these friends for the rest of my life and nothing would change between any of us. I love each and every one of my friends, and in the last year I have made a lot of new ones that I hope can last a long time. If life worked the way I wanted, I would be friends with the same people I have been for the rest of my life. I have a big problem with putting too much into what i feel for people. I tend to invest my whole heart into relationships to a certain extent, and that mentality will keep me doing the same thing as I have done forever. I love my friends, I love my comfort zone.
The reality of life is this. Nice people end up on welfare. To get ahead you need to get a little ruthless, and that is a fact.
I have withdrawn myself from the majority of everyone for a few weeks because I need to get my head on straight. I need to burry my head and focus and work extra hard so that after this year I can finally go on to achieve the goals I have always wanted to...These last couple years I have felt as if I am drowning, like someone shoved my head under water and just held me there...I have been stuck in a place I don't want to be, at a college I never intended on going to.
I finally feel like I can see the sunlight at the top of the water....You know that feeling when you have held your breath under water for a long time and you get that excited feeling when your close to the top. After this year I will take my big breath. I have been waiting and working towards it for a long time. Unfortunately, it is the people I love the most that may be the ones that hold me back. Unfortunately I have chosen to sleep early instead of drink, and so I miss those calls of people that may need me. I'm trying to set my life in a new direction.
I have had a couple really big years full of change and personal development for me and I haven't even started the best parts.
Is there a way to balance? Can I push for the kindness and peace that I want to world to finally get a grasp on without getting walked all over? Where is the balance between being nice and being a pushover?
Sunday, July 25, 2010
not since march?!
I am the WORST at this sort of thing I guess.
so ill share my favorite poem of all time because sadly, I have nothing else to write about.
The Walrus and the Carpenter
by Lewis Carroll
The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright--
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.
The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done--
"It's very rude of him," she said,
"To come and spoil the fun!"
The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead--
There were no birds to fly.
The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand:
"If this were only cleared away,"
They said, "it would be grand!"
"If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year.
Do you suppose," the Walrus said,
"That they could get it clear?"
"I doubt it," said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.
"O Oysters, come and walk with us!"
The Walrus did beseech.
"A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each."
The eldest Oyster looked at him,
But never a word he said:
The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head--
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster-bed.
But four young Oysters hurried up,
All eager for the treat:
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean and neat--
And this was odd, because, you know,
They hadn't any feet.
Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more--
All hopping through the frothy waves,
And scrambling to the shore.
The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.
"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."
"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,
"Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!"
"No hurry!" said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.
"A loaf of bread," the Walrus said,
"Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed--
Now if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed."
"But not on us!" the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.
"After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!"
"The night is fine," the Walrus said.
"Do you admire the view?
"It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"Cut us another slice:
I wish you were not quite so deaf--
I've had to ask you twice!"
"It seems a shame," the Walrus said,
"To play them such a trick,
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"The butter's spread too thick!"
"I weep for you," the Walrus said:
"I deeply sympathize."
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.
"O Oysters," said the Carpenter,
"You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?'
But answer came there none--
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.
so ill share my favorite poem of all time because sadly, I have nothing else to write about.
The Walrus and the Carpenter
by Lewis Carroll
The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright--
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.
The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done--
"It's very rude of him," she said,
"To come and spoil the fun!"
The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry.
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead--
There were no birds to fly.
The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand;
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand:
"If this were only cleared away,"
They said, "it would be grand!"
"If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year.
Do you suppose," the Walrus said,
"That they could get it clear?"
"I doubt it," said the Carpenter,
And shed a bitter tear.
"O Oysters, come and walk with us!"
The Walrus did beseech.
"A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each."
The eldest Oyster looked at him,
But never a word he said:
The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head--
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster-bed.
But four young Oysters hurried up,
All eager for the treat:
Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,
Their shoes were clean and neat--
And this was odd, because, you know,
They hadn't any feet.
Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more--
All hopping through the frothy waves,
And scrambling to the shore.
The Walrus and the Carpenter
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.
"The time has come," the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax--
Of cabbages--and kings--
And why the sea is boiling hot--
And whether pigs have wings."
"But wait a bit," the Oysters cried,
"Before we have our chat;
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!"
"No hurry!" said the Carpenter.
They thanked him much for that.
"A loaf of bread," the Walrus said,
"Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed--
Now if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed."
"But not on us!" the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue.
"After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!"
"The night is fine," the Walrus said.
"Do you admire the view?
"It was so kind of you to come!
And you are very nice!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"Cut us another slice:
I wish you were not quite so deaf--
I've had to ask you twice!"
"It seems a shame," the Walrus said,
"To play them such a trick,
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!"
The Carpenter said nothing but
"The butter's spread too thick!"
"I weep for you," the Walrus said:
"I deeply sympathize."
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.
"O Oysters," said the Carpenter,
"You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?'
But answer came there none--
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
The Pheonix and the Turtle
This is a poem by William Shakespeare and it is oh so lovely
LET the bird of loudest lay,
On the sole Arabian tree,
Herald sad and trumpet be,
To whose sound chaste wings obey.
But thou shrieking harbinger,
Foul precurrer of the fiend,
Augur of the fever's end,
To this troop come thou not near!
From this session interdict
Every fowl of tyrant wing,
Save the eagle, feather'd king:
Keep the obsequy so strict.
Let the priest in surplice white,
That defunctive music can,
Be the death-divining swan,
Lest the requiem lack his right.
And thou treble-dated crow,
That thy sable gender makest
With the breath thou givest and takest,
'Mongst our mourners shalt thou go.
Here the anthem doth commence:
Love and constancy is dead;
Phoenix and the turtle fled
In a mutual flame from hence.
So they loved, as love in twain
Had the essence but in one;
Two distincts, division none:
Number there in love was slain.
Hearts remote, yet not asunder;
Distance, and no space was seen
'Twixt the turtle and his queen:
But in them it were a wonder.
So between them love did shine,
That the turtle saw his right
Flaming in the phoenix' sight;
Either was the other's mine.
Property was thus appalled,
That the self was not the same;
Single nature's double name
Neither two nor one was called.
Reason, in itself confounded,
Saw division grow together,
To themselves yet either neither,
Simple were so well compounded,
That it cried, How true a twain
Seemeth this concordant one!
Love hath reason, reason none,
If what parts can so remain.
Whereupon it made this threne
To the phoenix and the dove,
Co-supremes and stars of love,
As chorus to their tragic scene.
LET the bird of loudest lay,
On the sole Arabian tree,
Herald sad and trumpet be,
To whose sound chaste wings obey.
But thou shrieking harbinger,
Foul precurrer of the fiend,
Augur of the fever's end,
To this troop come thou not near!
From this session interdict
Every fowl of tyrant wing,
Save the eagle, feather'd king:
Keep the obsequy so strict.
Let the priest in surplice white,
That defunctive music can,
Be the death-divining swan,
Lest the requiem lack his right.
And thou treble-dated crow,
That thy sable gender makest
With the breath thou givest and takest,
'Mongst our mourners shalt thou go.
Here the anthem doth commence:
Love and constancy is dead;
Phoenix and the turtle fled
In a mutual flame from hence.
So they loved, as love in twain
Had the essence but in one;
Two distincts, division none:
Number there in love was slain.
Hearts remote, yet not asunder;
Distance, and no space was seen
'Twixt the turtle and his queen:
But in them it were a wonder.
So between them love did shine,
That the turtle saw his right
Flaming in the phoenix' sight;
Either was the other's mine.
Property was thus appalled,
That the self was not the same;
Single nature's double name
Neither two nor one was called.
Reason, in itself confounded,
Saw division grow together,
To themselves yet either neither,
Simple were so well compounded,
That it cried, How true a twain
Seemeth this concordant one!
Love hath reason, reason none,
If what parts can so remain.
Whereupon it made this threne
To the phoenix and the dove,
Co-supremes and stars of love,
As chorus to their tragic scene.
Friday, February 26, 2010
who?
Doing some thinking about life.
Smile at everyone, you have no idea what kind of day they are having
(that includes yourself)
Ask someone how they are doing cause maybe no one else will listen.
When you say thank you..really mean it....gratitude is beautiful
Smile at everyone, you have no idea what kind of day they are having
(that includes yourself)
Ask someone how they are doing cause maybe no one else will listen.
When you say thank you..really mean it....gratitude is beautiful
Thursday, February 25, 2010
one step forward
I feel sort of like I am having a midlife crisis but only less than a quarter way through it. Mostly i think this happened because since I was little I told myself I would get out of here.
Well I am certainly not out of here. I am balls deep here. Here is cold. Here is not scenic. Here is smack dab in the middle of nothing happens to anyone nowhere.
Now, while I work hard and succeed most of the time by being kind to others, always say thank you, smile at strangers, I don't ever work hard on myself.
Starting RIGHT NOW. I will not only do the former but, it is time to stop wasting seconds. No more laying in bed all day thinking of what I would be doing if I had moved away when I wanted to. This is the path that I chose to take. It is certainly taking a toll on me right now, but whatever I choose to do after this, this time period can't have been wasted.
In order for my soul to be full and happy, I have to work on being that way. Time to be a big part of being the sunshine I want to be in the world. Yes, THE WORLD, not just here. Here doesn't have to be so bad. Life is what you choose for it to be.
Well I am certainly not out of here. I am balls deep here. Here is cold. Here is not scenic. Here is smack dab in the middle of nothing happens to anyone nowhere.
Now, while I work hard and succeed most of the time by being kind to others, always say thank you, smile at strangers, I don't ever work hard on myself.
Starting RIGHT NOW. I will not only do the former but, it is time to stop wasting seconds. No more laying in bed all day thinking of what I would be doing if I had moved away when I wanted to. This is the path that I chose to take. It is certainly taking a toll on me right now, but whatever I choose to do after this, this time period can't have been wasted.
In order for my soul to be full and happy, I have to work on being that way. Time to be a big part of being the sunshine I want to be in the world. Yes, THE WORLD, not just here. Here doesn't have to be so bad. Life is what you choose for it to be.
Friday, February 12, 2010
shot to the hearrtt
Okay, back to the blogging to myself world lol....maybe someday ill actually try to get people to follow my blog
Winter, for me, is a time where I usually find myself very unhappy. I was not supposed to be born in Illinois, I am 100% sure of this fact. The cold, the snow, the way it sucks the sunlight out of everyday, the lack of fresh air, it all makes me feel really depressed. I can't help but feel like all of winter I am taking 5 steps backwards for every 1 that i take forward. I don't like seeing it as a time of self reflection because who I am during the winter is the opposite of who I am in the summer, but in a way, it does take me to the deeper parts of my mind because so much time is spent alone.
I start to think about all the wrong turns I took in my life, I start to think about all those times that I should have said yes and I said no.
By no means am I saying that I have had the worst life because I haven't. I have never been worried about wether or not I was going to eat for the next week, or if I was going to have a roof over my head, or shoes to cover my feet. I have, though, delt will a lot more "things" (for lack of a better term) than almost anyone else that I know directly. This has made me an old soul, overly independent, but it has also made me who I am. I think...No, I know that I am a good person. I see everyone around me starting the chapter in their life and making new connections, and I get this little pang inside of me of envy. For the record jealousy is one of my least favorite trait, but it is also an undeniable one.
Right now I am very tied up in the program I am enrolled in at college...It is a very time consuming major, but only for 2 years. I chose to do interpreting for a few reasons. All I have ever wanted to do was just help people, thousands of them, maybe millions. Being an interpreter is a major where I am going to work directly with people who are deaf or have partial hearing losses, and they (mostly) will welcome and appreciate my help. I also chose it because it is going to be an extremely generous beginning for me to start doing the things I really want to accomplish. I will have flexibility in where I live because I can do my job anywhere. It also pays enough that I will always have enough to get by and take care of myself. It just so happens, that this choice that I made, forces me to move in slow motion. I still live at home, and I only lose friends cause I never meet anyone new...
That being said, this winter has been harder for me than any before it. For some reason this particular winter, I have secluded myself from almost every friend I have ever had. I did not do this on purpose, but its very hard for me to get out of bed about 90% of the time.
I have always been very good at convincing myself that the feelings I have aren't necessary. For example, I never get hung up on people who really hurt my feelings no matter how important they are to me. I have gotten really good at tricking myself that the feelings I am having are pointless, and the more I have done this over the years has made me extremely out of touch with my emotions. Every single one of them. There are very few times where I am extremely anything. I can't remember where the quote is from, but they say something along the lines of...."I know you can be overwhelmed, and that you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever be just....whelmed?"......Yes, you can. I find myself in a state of whelmed almost all of the time. I know there are people who covet this trait in me because it makes it seem like I can really just brush off anything. I don't have time getting over old boyfriends, and I guess I can't deny that that is a pretty nice quality. But, I am now to the point where I literally can't even have a conversation with someone because I am so indifferent on almost everything. I have very strong opinions, but what is the point in arguing them? I hate when people judge me for how I think and feel, so why would I ever try to argue with someone about anything....It just seems so backwards to me..
I feel very connected to the earth, and that is not just the hippie in me talking. When winter comes, parts of me die, and I become hardened and closed off. Then spring comes and I can start wiggle my toes and I can feel the warmth of the sun starting to warm up my heart. When summer hits I am in full bloom. I get to dance and be outside and I get to reconnect with those people who I lost touch with in my hibernation. The term for this normally is seasonal affective disorder....I am not sure if thats what it is, but there is a complete 180 with how I feel at different times of the year.
I don't know what the point of this blog is, it doesn't really have a direction, and it jumped around a lot.
I guess I am just using this as an outlet to remind myself of a few things
- no matter how hard anything gets, love is out there...it is everywhere and it is in every situation
- showing people love is the only way to get ahead....(this is not a fact, but it should be)
- i have the power to change whatever i need to make myself happy
- there are some people in the world who will never have hard times, and instead of being jealous of that...i need to be happy for them, and remember that it is only because of things we go through that makes us WHO WE ARE
OKAY...thats it
from now on i am going to post ONLY POSITIVE messages on here....this was just my misguided way to maneuver to wiggle myself out from under the giant elephant that is sitting on my chest.
If something is bothering you ask yourself...Is this going to be significant in my life in 1 year? 5 years? 10 years? Probably not. (However be careful because taking that too literally makes feelings pointless....and then you end up emotionless like muah).
PEACE forever LOVE always
Winter, for me, is a time where I usually find myself very unhappy. I was not supposed to be born in Illinois, I am 100% sure of this fact. The cold, the snow, the way it sucks the sunlight out of everyday, the lack of fresh air, it all makes me feel really depressed. I can't help but feel like all of winter I am taking 5 steps backwards for every 1 that i take forward. I don't like seeing it as a time of self reflection because who I am during the winter is the opposite of who I am in the summer, but in a way, it does take me to the deeper parts of my mind because so much time is spent alone.
I start to think about all the wrong turns I took in my life, I start to think about all those times that I should have said yes and I said no.
By no means am I saying that I have had the worst life because I haven't. I have never been worried about wether or not I was going to eat for the next week, or if I was going to have a roof over my head, or shoes to cover my feet. I have, though, delt will a lot more "things" (for lack of a better term) than almost anyone else that I know directly. This has made me an old soul, overly independent, but it has also made me who I am. I think...No, I know that I am a good person. I see everyone around me starting the chapter in their life and making new connections, and I get this little pang inside of me of envy. For the record jealousy is one of my least favorite trait, but it is also an undeniable one.
Right now I am very tied up in the program I am enrolled in at college...It is a very time consuming major, but only for 2 years. I chose to do interpreting for a few reasons. All I have ever wanted to do was just help people, thousands of them, maybe millions. Being an interpreter is a major where I am going to work directly with people who are deaf or have partial hearing losses, and they (mostly) will welcome and appreciate my help. I also chose it because it is going to be an extremely generous beginning for me to start doing the things I really want to accomplish. I will have flexibility in where I live because I can do my job anywhere. It also pays enough that I will always have enough to get by and take care of myself. It just so happens, that this choice that I made, forces me to move in slow motion. I still live at home, and I only lose friends cause I never meet anyone new...
That being said, this winter has been harder for me than any before it. For some reason this particular winter, I have secluded myself from almost every friend I have ever had. I did not do this on purpose, but its very hard for me to get out of bed about 90% of the time.
I have always been very good at convincing myself that the feelings I have aren't necessary. For example, I never get hung up on people who really hurt my feelings no matter how important they are to me. I have gotten really good at tricking myself that the feelings I am having are pointless, and the more I have done this over the years has made me extremely out of touch with my emotions. Every single one of them. There are very few times where I am extremely anything. I can't remember where the quote is from, but they say something along the lines of...."I know you can be overwhelmed, and that you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever be just....whelmed?"......Yes, you can. I find myself in a state of whelmed almost all of the time. I know there are people who covet this trait in me because it makes it seem like I can really just brush off anything. I don't have time getting over old boyfriends, and I guess I can't deny that that is a pretty nice quality. But, I am now to the point where I literally can't even have a conversation with someone because I am so indifferent on almost everything. I have very strong opinions, but what is the point in arguing them? I hate when people judge me for how I think and feel, so why would I ever try to argue with someone about anything....It just seems so backwards to me..
I feel very connected to the earth, and that is not just the hippie in me talking. When winter comes, parts of me die, and I become hardened and closed off. Then spring comes and I can start wiggle my toes and I can feel the warmth of the sun starting to warm up my heart. When summer hits I am in full bloom. I get to dance and be outside and I get to reconnect with those people who I lost touch with in my hibernation. The term for this normally is seasonal affective disorder....I am not sure if thats what it is, but there is a complete 180 with how I feel at different times of the year.
I don't know what the point of this blog is, it doesn't really have a direction, and it jumped around a lot.
I guess I am just using this as an outlet to remind myself of a few things
- no matter how hard anything gets, love is out there...it is everywhere and it is in every situation
- showing people love is the only way to get ahead....(this is not a fact, but it should be)
- i have the power to change whatever i need to make myself happy
- there are some people in the world who will never have hard times, and instead of being jealous of that...i need to be happy for them, and remember that it is only because of things we go through that makes us WHO WE ARE
OKAY...thats it
from now on i am going to post ONLY POSITIVE messages on here....this was just my misguided way to maneuver to wiggle myself out from under the giant elephant that is sitting on my chest.
If something is bothering you ask yourself...Is this going to be significant in my life in 1 year? 5 years? 10 years? Probably not. (However be careful because taking that too literally makes feelings pointless....and then you end up emotionless like muah).
PEACE forever LOVE always
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)