All I have been thinking about today is relationships. Lately I have been staying home a lot more, thus losing the closeness I once felt with a lot of people.
My brain is in a constant state of tug of war of what is and would should be....I talk a lot about what love and compassion can bring the world, and I do treat people kindly everyday, but to what extent?
In my ideal world I would have all these friends for the rest of my life and nothing would change between any of us. I love each and every one of my friends, and in the last year I have made a lot of new ones that I hope can last a long time. If life worked the way I wanted, I would be friends with the same people I have been for the rest of my life. I have a big problem with putting too much into what i feel for people. I tend to invest my whole heart into relationships to a certain extent, and that mentality will keep me doing the same thing as I have done forever. I love my friends, I love my comfort zone.
The reality of life is this. Nice people end up on welfare. To get ahead you need to get a little ruthless, and that is a fact.
I have withdrawn myself from the majority of everyone for a few weeks because I need to get my head on straight. I need to burry my head and focus and work extra hard so that after this year I can finally go on to achieve the goals I have always wanted to...These last couple years I have felt as if I am drowning, like someone shoved my head under water and just held me there...I have been stuck in a place I don't want to be, at a college I never intended on going to.
I finally feel like I can see the sunlight at the top of the water....You know that feeling when you have held your breath under water for a long time and you get that excited feeling when your close to the top. After this year I will take my big breath. I have been waiting and working towards it for a long time. Unfortunately, it is the people I love the most that may be the ones that hold me back. Unfortunately I have chosen to sleep early instead of drink, and so I miss those calls of people that may need me. I'm trying to set my life in a new direction.
I have had a couple really big years full of change and personal development for me and I haven't even started the best parts.
Is there a way to balance? Can I push for the kindness and peace that I want to world to finally get a grasp on without getting walked all over? Where is the balance between being nice and being a pushover?
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