Doing some thinking about life.
Smile at everyone, you have no idea what kind of day they are having
(that includes yourself)
Ask someone how they are doing cause maybe no one else will listen.
When you say thank you..really mean it....gratitude is beautiful
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
one step forward
I feel sort of like I am having a midlife crisis but only less than a quarter way through it. Mostly i think this happened because since I was little I told myself I would get out of here.
Well I am certainly not out of here. I am balls deep here. Here is cold. Here is not scenic. Here is smack dab in the middle of nothing happens to anyone nowhere.
Now, while I work hard and succeed most of the time by being kind to others, always say thank you, smile at strangers, I don't ever work hard on myself.
Starting RIGHT NOW. I will not only do the former but, it is time to stop wasting seconds. No more laying in bed all day thinking of what I would be doing if I had moved away when I wanted to. This is the path that I chose to take. It is certainly taking a toll on me right now, but whatever I choose to do after this, this time period can't have been wasted.
In order for my soul to be full and happy, I have to work on being that way. Time to be a big part of being the sunshine I want to be in the world. Yes, THE WORLD, not just here. Here doesn't have to be so bad. Life is what you choose for it to be.
Well I am certainly not out of here. I am balls deep here. Here is cold. Here is not scenic. Here is smack dab in the middle of nothing happens to anyone nowhere.
Now, while I work hard and succeed most of the time by being kind to others, always say thank you, smile at strangers, I don't ever work hard on myself.
Starting RIGHT NOW. I will not only do the former but, it is time to stop wasting seconds. No more laying in bed all day thinking of what I would be doing if I had moved away when I wanted to. This is the path that I chose to take. It is certainly taking a toll on me right now, but whatever I choose to do after this, this time period can't have been wasted.
In order for my soul to be full and happy, I have to work on being that way. Time to be a big part of being the sunshine I want to be in the world. Yes, THE WORLD, not just here. Here doesn't have to be so bad. Life is what you choose for it to be.
Friday, February 12, 2010
shot to the hearrtt
Okay, back to the blogging to myself world lol....maybe someday ill actually try to get people to follow my blog
Winter, for me, is a time where I usually find myself very unhappy. I was not supposed to be born in Illinois, I am 100% sure of this fact. The cold, the snow, the way it sucks the sunlight out of everyday, the lack of fresh air, it all makes me feel really depressed. I can't help but feel like all of winter I am taking 5 steps backwards for every 1 that i take forward. I don't like seeing it as a time of self reflection because who I am during the winter is the opposite of who I am in the summer, but in a way, it does take me to the deeper parts of my mind because so much time is spent alone.
I start to think about all the wrong turns I took in my life, I start to think about all those times that I should have said yes and I said no.
By no means am I saying that I have had the worst life because I haven't. I have never been worried about wether or not I was going to eat for the next week, or if I was going to have a roof over my head, or shoes to cover my feet. I have, though, delt will a lot more "things" (for lack of a better term) than almost anyone else that I know directly. This has made me an old soul, overly independent, but it has also made me who I am. I think...No, I know that I am a good person. I see everyone around me starting the chapter in their life and making new connections, and I get this little pang inside of me of envy. For the record jealousy is one of my least favorite trait, but it is also an undeniable one.
Right now I am very tied up in the program I am enrolled in at college...It is a very time consuming major, but only for 2 years. I chose to do interpreting for a few reasons. All I have ever wanted to do was just help people, thousands of them, maybe millions. Being an interpreter is a major where I am going to work directly with people who are deaf or have partial hearing losses, and they (mostly) will welcome and appreciate my help. I also chose it because it is going to be an extremely generous beginning for me to start doing the things I really want to accomplish. I will have flexibility in where I live because I can do my job anywhere. It also pays enough that I will always have enough to get by and take care of myself. It just so happens, that this choice that I made, forces me to move in slow motion. I still live at home, and I only lose friends cause I never meet anyone new...
That being said, this winter has been harder for me than any before it. For some reason this particular winter, I have secluded myself from almost every friend I have ever had. I did not do this on purpose, but its very hard for me to get out of bed about 90% of the time.
I have always been very good at convincing myself that the feelings I have aren't necessary. For example, I never get hung up on people who really hurt my feelings no matter how important they are to me. I have gotten really good at tricking myself that the feelings I am having are pointless, and the more I have done this over the years has made me extremely out of touch with my emotions. Every single one of them. There are very few times where I am extremely anything. I can't remember where the quote is from, but they say something along the lines of...."I know you can be overwhelmed, and that you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever be just....whelmed?"......Yes, you can. I find myself in a state of whelmed almost all of the time. I know there are people who covet this trait in me because it makes it seem like I can really just brush off anything. I don't have time getting over old boyfriends, and I guess I can't deny that that is a pretty nice quality. But, I am now to the point where I literally can't even have a conversation with someone because I am so indifferent on almost everything. I have very strong opinions, but what is the point in arguing them? I hate when people judge me for how I think and feel, so why would I ever try to argue with someone about anything....It just seems so backwards to me..
I feel very connected to the earth, and that is not just the hippie in me talking. When winter comes, parts of me die, and I become hardened and closed off. Then spring comes and I can start wiggle my toes and I can feel the warmth of the sun starting to warm up my heart. When summer hits I am in full bloom. I get to dance and be outside and I get to reconnect with those people who I lost touch with in my hibernation. The term for this normally is seasonal affective disorder....I am not sure if thats what it is, but there is a complete 180 with how I feel at different times of the year.
I don't know what the point of this blog is, it doesn't really have a direction, and it jumped around a lot.
I guess I am just using this as an outlet to remind myself of a few things
- no matter how hard anything gets, love is out there...it is everywhere and it is in every situation
- showing people love is the only way to get ahead....(this is not a fact, but it should be)
- i have the power to change whatever i need to make myself happy
- there are some people in the world who will never have hard times, and instead of being jealous of that...i need to be happy for them, and remember that it is only because of things we go through that makes us WHO WE ARE
OKAY...thats it
from now on i am going to post ONLY POSITIVE messages on here....this was just my misguided way to maneuver to wiggle myself out from under the giant elephant that is sitting on my chest.
If something is bothering you ask yourself...Is this going to be significant in my life in 1 year? 5 years? 10 years? Probably not. (However be careful because taking that too literally makes feelings pointless....and then you end up emotionless like muah).
PEACE forever LOVE always
Winter, for me, is a time where I usually find myself very unhappy. I was not supposed to be born in Illinois, I am 100% sure of this fact. The cold, the snow, the way it sucks the sunlight out of everyday, the lack of fresh air, it all makes me feel really depressed. I can't help but feel like all of winter I am taking 5 steps backwards for every 1 that i take forward. I don't like seeing it as a time of self reflection because who I am during the winter is the opposite of who I am in the summer, but in a way, it does take me to the deeper parts of my mind because so much time is spent alone.
I start to think about all the wrong turns I took in my life, I start to think about all those times that I should have said yes and I said no.
By no means am I saying that I have had the worst life because I haven't. I have never been worried about wether or not I was going to eat for the next week, or if I was going to have a roof over my head, or shoes to cover my feet. I have, though, delt will a lot more "things" (for lack of a better term) than almost anyone else that I know directly. This has made me an old soul, overly independent, but it has also made me who I am. I think...No, I know that I am a good person. I see everyone around me starting the chapter in their life and making new connections, and I get this little pang inside of me of envy. For the record jealousy is one of my least favorite trait, but it is also an undeniable one.
Right now I am very tied up in the program I am enrolled in at college...It is a very time consuming major, but only for 2 years. I chose to do interpreting for a few reasons. All I have ever wanted to do was just help people, thousands of them, maybe millions. Being an interpreter is a major where I am going to work directly with people who are deaf or have partial hearing losses, and they (mostly) will welcome and appreciate my help. I also chose it because it is going to be an extremely generous beginning for me to start doing the things I really want to accomplish. I will have flexibility in where I live because I can do my job anywhere. It also pays enough that I will always have enough to get by and take care of myself. It just so happens, that this choice that I made, forces me to move in slow motion. I still live at home, and I only lose friends cause I never meet anyone new...
That being said, this winter has been harder for me than any before it. For some reason this particular winter, I have secluded myself from almost every friend I have ever had. I did not do this on purpose, but its very hard for me to get out of bed about 90% of the time.
I have always been very good at convincing myself that the feelings I have aren't necessary. For example, I never get hung up on people who really hurt my feelings no matter how important they are to me. I have gotten really good at tricking myself that the feelings I am having are pointless, and the more I have done this over the years has made me extremely out of touch with my emotions. Every single one of them. There are very few times where I am extremely anything. I can't remember where the quote is from, but they say something along the lines of...."I know you can be overwhelmed, and that you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever be just....whelmed?"......Yes, you can. I find myself in a state of whelmed almost all of the time. I know there are people who covet this trait in me because it makes it seem like I can really just brush off anything. I don't have time getting over old boyfriends, and I guess I can't deny that that is a pretty nice quality. But, I am now to the point where I literally can't even have a conversation with someone because I am so indifferent on almost everything. I have very strong opinions, but what is the point in arguing them? I hate when people judge me for how I think and feel, so why would I ever try to argue with someone about anything....It just seems so backwards to me..
I feel very connected to the earth, and that is not just the hippie in me talking. When winter comes, parts of me die, and I become hardened and closed off. Then spring comes and I can start wiggle my toes and I can feel the warmth of the sun starting to warm up my heart. When summer hits I am in full bloom. I get to dance and be outside and I get to reconnect with those people who I lost touch with in my hibernation. The term for this normally is seasonal affective disorder....I am not sure if thats what it is, but there is a complete 180 with how I feel at different times of the year.
I don't know what the point of this blog is, it doesn't really have a direction, and it jumped around a lot.
I guess I am just using this as an outlet to remind myself of a few things
- no matter how hard anything gets, love is out there...it is everywhere and it is in every situation
- showing people love is the only way to get ahead....(this is not a fact, but it should be)
- i have the power to change whatever i need to make myself happy
- there are some people in the world who will never have hard times, and instead of being jealous of that...i need to be happy for them, and remember that it is only because of things we go through that makes us WHO WE ARE
OKAY...thats it
from now on i am going to post ONLY POSITIVE messages on here....this was just my misguided way to maneuver to wiggle myself out from under the giant elephant that is sitting on my chest.
If something is bothering you ask yourself...Is this going to be significant in my life in 1 year? 5 years? 10 years? Probably not. (However be careful because taking that too literally makes feelings pointless....and then you end up emotionless like muah).
PEACE forever LOVE always
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
whatchoo say?
I haven't posted in a while, and I guess that is mostly just because I haven't had much to say. I still don't really.
Winter is always a time for reflection, and when I am left alone with myself to do that, it usually doesn't take me to a very good place. As unhealthy as it is, I would rather be distracted and forget.
All I have been doing the last few days is lay in my sickness and watch the devastation that happened in Haiti. My heart is truly broken, I wish there were ways to help that didn't involve money. I am looking into it, and will let you know if I find anything.
Promises of a longer, cheerier post next time.
Winter is always a time for reflection, and when I am left alone with myself to do that, it usually doesn't take me to a very good place. As unhealthy as it is, I would rather be distracted and forget.
All I have been doing the last few days is lay in my sickness and watch the devastation that happened in Haiti. My heart is truly broken, I wish there were ways to help that didn't involve money. I am looking into it, and will let you know if I find anything.
Promises of a longer, cheerier post next time.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
hm.
Happy New Year everyone
My feelings are hurt temporarily, so this blog probably wont be as uplifting as I wanted it to be.
It has been a long time since I posted, and in response to my last blog....It did make a difference...it's nice to know that overcoming hatred is possible.
I am not going to make this a long post cause I don't have many happy things to say at this moment.
Besides....You are amazing, you are unique, and you are loved. Whoever you are.
AND YOU SHOULD ALL GO TO SUPERFOREST.ORG AND LOVE IT!
it is my favorite website.
My feelings are hurt temporarily, so this blog probably wont be as uplifting as I wanted it to be.
It has been a long time since I posted, and in response to my last blog....It did make a difference...it's nice to know that overcoming hatred is possible.
I am not going to make this a long post cause I don't have many happy things to say at this moment.
Besides....You are amazing, you are unique, and you are loved. Whoever you are.
AND YOU SHOULD ALL GO TO SUPERFOREST.ORG AND LOVE IT!
it is my favorite website.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
feelin good feelin great
In my current transition to become a better and effective human i am going to tackle a goal each week, so since its Tuesday, a new one every Tuesday!
THIS WEEKS GOAL TOPIC: HUMANS
As the first weeks goal and possibly the very hardest, humans are a very hard area to create change within. Everyone has issues with why they are the way they are with other humans.
It is really hard to be a mature and in control person. Before you know it word vomit is spewing out and you have transformed into a person who does not spread love. Maybe people have hurt you in the past, or maybe you have issues with your parents, or you were brought up a certain way. Either way, this week I (and maybe anyone else who does not read this blog) ((lol)) (((but really))) am going to practice finding peace within me to really be able to shine to even people who may ALWAYS press my buttons. I cannot get along with everyone, but I can show everyone love.
THE KEY HERE IS: this includes the icky thoughts in your brain as well. If you show love but are only FEELING hate then it doesnt count. So diiiigggg deeeeeepppp.
Think of the person who you struggle the hardest with when it comes to being friendly: ask yourself the following:
Why do you feel this way about this person
Is it personal?
Is it just a mismatched character issue?
Does whatever they did to you matter today?
If it does matter, will it still matter in a year?
I know the person that I find hard to do this with, and to be honest, when I think about it, I still can't get over the feelings I for them. HOWEVER I do realize that it is petty and reaaalllyyy doesn't affect me today. I'm not sure if an apology would help, but I do not like feeling ugly feelings towards someone. It makes me feel ugly.
I am going to reach out to them this week.
Show love and you will give love. It is a simple idea with a hard journey.
Anyway...heres a funny joke:
Q. What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A. A private tutor.
ps. the picture of bob dylan may seem like it has nothing to do with this blog....but he is a human...and a beautiful one at that.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
feelin groovy
The last week has been an interesting one by far. At this exact moment I feel full with love and peace. I have come to an interesting realization that I know will help me live a happier and healthier life.
I have recently starting exercising daily. Only for about a week now, and I started because I weigh more than I have in my entire life. So the mission began with getting small and losing the weight. But I am starting to understand the important of exercise in a completely different way now. It has given me a better understanding as a whole about me, my surroundings, and its really one of the only time during the day that i give COMPLETELY to myself.
Wether I am swimming, practicing yoga, or running it has all become much more to me.
Today when I was running is when I realized this. Every time I run I try to change something to make it more challenging, either go for a long distance or at a higher speed. I started running thinking the same thing. Me in a swimsuit, its all I could think about. Most the time I have been working out it its always me putting myself down, all I can think about is how unhealthy I have let myself get and then I just feel ashamed.
But today, it started and I pictured myself in that swimsuit (my consciousness of weight is the only annoying girly trait that I have....I have always found this odd) So I kept running, and then I started to only focus on my breathing. In two steps, out two steps. It was hard, I have never been a runner because it always seems I can't get into my groove and all I felt after was sore. So I am running and running and picturing myself, and then I started picturing myself on a beach. It wasn't about the swimsuit. I could feel the sun, the sand, the breeze, the peace that comes with being at the ocean. That is where I found myself, running was on a beach. It was a moment of inner peace that I have only experienced while practicing meditation, and even then my brain won't let myself completely just be. Then when I came back to my breathing I found myself running with ease! My breathing had completely evened out. After that point it was only me pushing myself in a positive way. I ran farther and harder than I have ever done!
Working out has always been a chore for me, but I can't wait until tomorrow to do it again! Yes, I am sore, but the soreness reminds me of my accomplishment of the day, and it is almost like a trophy.
Get healthy! Not only is in going to benefit you in the obvious ways, but it is going to let yourself have a breakthrough that gives you a boost in confidence, and with confidence it becomes even easier to spread the love that you want to see in the world what a fantastic thing!
What are you doing to make yourself feel loved by YOU????
**I realize the picture of my cat has nothing to do with this blog but she makes my heart smile, so maybe she will make yours too! Who doesnt love pictures of gorgeous kittens!?
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